the One

As of late, I've been thinking, questioning and just really thinking hard about everything. Well, mostly on life. It comes to the point whereby I'll have a huge headache just thinking about growing up, being an adult now, having the responsibilities for everything, money, what to do with my life after my contract job ends, marriage, money for marriage, money for everything.... Basically my life is in a mess right now and I don't really know how I should go about tackling it. I've been to attached with the fact whereby I can do it, I can get through it. But fact is, I just can't. 

After reading this post(this particular paragraph) by theshawllabel.com my tears started pouring out without me realising it.

"The thing about the dunya is that the more you chase after it, the more it eludes you. And the less you think about it, the more it comes close to you. We often worry about money and where our next meal will come from, when in fact Allah swt has reminded us countless times that He will provide for us in a variety of ways if we just make the effort to seek."

Guess I've been doing it wrong the whole time. Chasing the wrong things and being overly attached with what I want and not leave it up to Allah swt for handling all my affairs. 

Speaking your mind makes things worst but at least you'll feel better.

Sometimes as much as I'd like to speak my mind, it just comes out wrong. Either th way I structure my words or just generally people just don't get what I mean. I am constantly battling with sharing what I feel about almost anything. Just conscious about whatever i feel inside as when it's blurted out, th outcome always turns out worst or I will end up feeling bad about whatever I've said. It really is hard to share what you want to convey when your intention back fires you. And whenever I resist in telling truly how I feel, it eats me inside. So question is how do you handle a situation as such? Would you just keep it all to yourself and make th feeling go away or would you risk having your feelings out in th open and having it back fire you?

Well, th former sounds better.

Little bunny.

I thought I was going crazy. But someone, somewhere, somehow understands my deepest feelings. All that is written is by far the closest as to how I feel about relationship, friends and what not. Totally describes why I distant myself away from the opposite sex. Or maybe I'm just not entertaining enough for them. Who am I kidding !

*Credits to someone who blogged/tumblr/Instagram/tweet about it somewhere on this planet.

Dust and bones

Ever felt like you've been waiting for so long that you feel your bones starts to rot that in that process it begins to melt so badly that you become one pile of green blob similar to the colour of Earth?

Well, that wait is called the inactiveness of your body, mind and soul. I've been feeling this way ever since I unofficially graduated just two months ago. Wow, it has been exactly two months now. No wonder my dad's worried about me. He even suggested I join the police force since I'll be ranked Corporal when I enter but with the new system I will enter as a Sergeant. And he's rather supportive about it and yes for the very first time which made me consider about joining. I mean I've always loved watching all the CSIs', Criminal Minds, NCIS and just any sought that involves investigating and getting to the bottom of things. But lets just put that aside for a while cos it's not what I really want to do in future. I mean yes I love solving things and just love the adrenaline I will get out of it. It is however not what I'm passionate about. It's just one of the things I love but not want to actually pursue in?

Currently, all I've been doing is waiting for a sign. Like for example a call from any of the two universities I applied for or even a letter would suffice. But the universe is not giving me anything. Working is another issue. I feel that I'm more picky towards the type of job I want to work cos most of it would require me to commit for "at least 3 months" and I just don't know if I should work or not since I'm waiting for a reply from either of the universities. Then again, I will be able to take leave if say I had an interview to go to for the university. (See how my mind debates, always happen) Another issue I'm facing would be travelling. You guys just don't know how much I yearn to travel. I planned for a graduation trip but with no effort in saving money for it. Tell me how now? Very smart indeed. So, the issues now are waiting for a reply from the unis, not wanting to work for so long cos of sch (if I'm accepted) plus I want to travel and if say I get into either of the unis I applied for then I won't have time to travel as the intended holiday I needed will be used for working, if I were to work. See the whole picture now?

Feeling as if I'm starting to lose my sense of direction in life. This is bad, real bad.

An old pair of ears

That's what I really need now.

Feelin' gay

2013. Tell me more.

I knew 2013 wasn't gna be one of th years to look forward to. Lets just say I'm pretty overwhelmed by it. Too many events to type about. But I'm still surprise and a little terrify on the fact that I've yet to breakdown. I guess the next time I do, it's gna be real bad. Or maybe I'm a little stronger now.

One thing's for sure, FYP is taking my life away. I don't even know why I'm doing and stressing so much about it cos in the end if I die, it will not help me in any way....... Ok, I'm just being negative about everything now.

Goodnight world. I shall explore you one day. I must.

Shady

It has been only the first week of break from school and I have yet to have my fair share of peaceful sleep. I guess it's just the thought of FYP and the question of what I'm gna do right after I graduate. It has been clouding my mind ever since I ended SIP. Never thought it would struck me so hard. Well I guess I just want the best for my parents and wanting or should I say giving th best to them scares me.

And no, my parents don't have a specific goal or plan for what they want me to be which is great cos I don't want to be pressurised by what they want me to do or to become. I really thank god for that. It's just hard for me cos... I don't really have a specific goal on what I Wna do or be which sucks cos my goal changes from time to time and it sucks cos I will always end up back at square one. It's tiring.

Anyhoo, I've been procrastinating since SIP period on my report. And no, I've yet to complete a 15 page report. So lazy.... But I need to complete this before I leave for KL next week if not, I'll not be enjoying myself there. I have to. Meh. & Why is time moving so fast?!

Shake your money maker

Hi y'all! I hope everyone's having a great weekend since it was a pretty long one after a while. Mine was spent fruitfully with all the 3 days used up just as planned or should I say it went very well since everyday there was at least something to look forward to.

My Friday was spent at both grandparents' places. Though all we did was dressed really casual and eat, it was still a day not to be missed. Managed to eat awesomegasmic food like roti kirai, Nutella sponge cake, lontong with my grandma's special soft succulent daging and some kuih-muih. The day turned out pretty good I must say minus going to my dad's side with Foster the people shirt + jeans when everyone else were in their Baju kurungs. Oppsy! But I still managed to catch up a little with my dearest cousin, Syazana since god knows when. Just a quick brief about us. We've been behaving pretty awkward around one another. It's not th same as before and I'm still figuring out why cos we used to be very close :/ Saddens me to know that we are not anymore. But nevertheless, I'm happy for her! Cos she is seeing someone now huhu and I know she's happy. So that makes me happy like bird too! :) Also, my grandparents are super cute cos they each gave me and my siblings 20 bucks each so $40 in total at different timings of the day, 1 in th morning and the other when we came to visit them at night. Yay! I'm not that broke anymore plus I will be getting my pay on the 31st!! Yippeeeee! I've been pretty depress being broke you know. Not that money is all I think about but just having a sign of relieve buying/spending my hard earn money as a reward for surviving work haha it makes me go.... Aaahhhhhh ;) and not forgetting earning that god damn money by spending most of my time staring at th laptop, running around like mad, calling out to people and just everything work related. It's tiring but it, literally, pays off :)


Saturday was spent solely on Malacca :) It was a 1 day trip yet an eventful one I must say, minus all th Mak ciks hahaha Plus my kitty came along! So it was even great. Highlights of th trip must be watching different types of ceramah in th bus which made me more aware of Islam and also made me fall asleep while listening to it. Not that it was boring cos the Imam Gazi, if I'm not wrong, was hilarious. Loic and I agreed that he reminded us of Cikgu Ahmad hahaha but they played it almost throughout th whole trip and I was very tired and just wanted to sleep for a little while. Nevertheless it was indeed an eye opener for me. Another would be th food. I thought it was gna be like awegasmically good but...eyhh.. It was alright. But the true blue highlight I cannot deny would be the incident at the Mosque. It was damn hilarious I tell you. My sis and I were really laughing our asses off when we had to wear a surgeon-like suit with th raincoat hood and tudung cos th imam didn't let us in. The whole process was just really hilarious :'D But I have to say th mosque was magnificent and beautiful. Just wow. Managed to do some shopping and eat A&W too! Overall the day was spent fruitfully and I had so much fun! :) oh and finally, first 2 chops on my new passport!!! More to come hehe

So today, guess what I did?! I.......... stayed home! Yay! Hahaha was down with horrible flu. Took my meds and KOed haha but I really needed my rest. Had to forgo the free tickets from Tim to USS Halloween night. Meh... But at least there was good food at home - longtong and some sambal crabs and prawns hehe

That's all for now! I hope you guys had a great long weekend. Till then!

The past starts with I

Dear I,

It's been a while. You never seem to cross my mind each time I'm feeling down. Yet, you are the light that makes me sparkle like Edward. You remind me about how things were and it makes me miss you more. You have no idea. I wish to see you around but I doubt it'll happen any time soon reason being, time. It'd be nice to sit and have a quick chat over perhaps honey milk tea. It'd be great if I can be there with you now. Cos honestly, you make my life feel complete...then. Now, it's just different. The confidence you had in me was at the peak. Why did you leave? Your humour, being the social butterfly you are among your friends and just everything about you. You seem so...perfect. I want you back in my life. Please come back :'(

Jane by design

I have too many things I want to achieve, making it harder for me to achieve almost anything I want. So I've made myself a promise to slowly give myself time in achieving all my dreams. Slowly cos all just can't possibly happen at once. I'm no superhuman y'know! This applies to what I want to do with myself be it th clothes, shoes, bags etc I aim for or even wearing Braces.

Finally, I'm wide awake to truly understand that I need to focus on one "mission" before I can proceed on to another. I can finally see what I'm able to achieve if I do it step-by-step. This will help make me achieve what I want for the longest time, I hope. It is no wonder I can't fulfill what I want... Really. And it makes me feel so...suffocated and angry with myself for not being able to do what I aim for :(

So for starters, I am gna start preparing for my blogshop. Yes I know, "whathehell... You siao ah??" I am clearly aware about the fierce competition out there. But hey, it's one of th things I want to do for th longest time. And even if it fails, I know I did try and who knows it will make me know if it's what I Wna do for th rest of my life. In other words, knowing if it's my Passion. And I'm not saying I'll be sticking to blogshop only but to also hopefully open my very own physical store. So.... for now let's just go slow and steady. Hopefully, I'll be able to do it!

Wish me luck! :) & do support me yeah! Hehe

Unsaid.

12.26 am: feeling so down now and I just can't figure out why.


What am I saying. I'm always feeling down - emogerl_92 *inserts5daysMCgrilface*

Conquer what you're afraid of.

As you can see...... I'm carrying a cat! Yes, it's real and not photoshopped hahaha! I finally overcome my fears and did it. It felt really good cos I've always wanted to take a pic of me carrying a cat or at least a pic with a cat in it haha one big, bold tick on my checklist ;)

However, I'm still a little afraid of them when they follow me or when they are active. I become more active as in to watch out for their sudden movements hahaha I know it's weird, but I guess I'll just need some time to adapt to them.

Anw, I hope all is well for you guys! Enjoy the last day of your weekend!



Nights xx

You against the world

I truly believe we are here on earth for individual purposes. Today has just made me understand and see things clearly where you will have to settle problems you have either externally or internally on your own. Yes, you do have people who care for you to listen to your rants and unhappiness but it is you who will make the decision. Thus, as the title reads.

If its meant to be, it will happen

Howdy all ! I know it's been way too long since I visited this page of mine. I apologise to all...if there's even anyone reading this space of mine haha

Anyhow, my internship just commenced about a week ago, 12 September 2012. It's been tough waking up early in th morning but my body clock is slowly tuning in to th timing. So, all is good! Well, just to share a little about my job. I'm working at Mediacorp under th publishing department and I must say it has been what I thought I wanted to do. Yes, thought. Although I'm assigned to magazines I'm interested in, I don't really feel its th job I would want to do in future. Cos firstly, most of the time i'll be doing admin, which I don't mind, at first. I do learn about promo pages and how it works and all. But mostly what I do is basically admin work and collecting prizes and passing it to th reception area.....its getting boring doing it almost everyday with only me doing a body copy once. Secondly, I do not really learn much about marketing. As in I can't really apply most of what I've learnt. And lastly, nothing to do with th job, just my rant. I need to walk a 10mins distance from where I stop which can be a healthy thing but a very tiring one. However, it's only th first week. Hopefully more events will come by cos I will then be able to experience first hand on how th event runs and be at the event myself hehe Praying hard I will be able to learn something "more meaningful" while interning here cos I really do want to learn more and absorb as much as I can while I'm still *ehem* young hehe

Well....that's all for now. Will be blogging quite randomly from now on. This post I'm typing, is with me lying in th dark waiting for my sis to come home with my Honey milk tea! :)

Oh and did I mention. Weekends are th most precious thing for me now! Have to seize both my Sat and Sun!! And I did that today by staying home and watching Hindustan hahaha so much for seizing th day! Have a great weekend guys!

Before I leave, below are just some very overdue photos of how I spent my birthday! Enjoy ! ;)

Tumblr explains it all.

Don't speak, I know what you're thinking

"you must first learn to make yourself happy.."
One of my favourite quotes which really means so much at moments like this. Ive been having difficulty lately, being genuinely happy with myself. It's not the same like how I used to feel about things. Nowadays it's just like meh... Well, it must be th hectic schedule I'm facing right now with submission dates nearing and just lack of motivation. I guess I'll just have to hang in there for now cos after 3 weeks I'll smell freedom.
Anw, I hope everyone's doing good. Happy weekend & to all Muslims happy fasting! :)

Ps. Will try my best to blog a proper post! Till then! ;)

MY KITTY!!

Incoming

How's everyone been? I know I know it has been a really really long time since I last blogged. I just didn't have the chance to sit still and blog either that or I'm just plain lazy to get my laptop started. I apologize for 'disappearing' for quite a while but I just had too many things going on, not that it's interesting or exciting but just too busy with school.

Anyhoo, I just happen to chance upon my friend's boyfriend, who is also a friend of mine, singing for her. A virtual present for her birthday. My heart just kind of sank right into my stomach. It's not that its bad or anything...it just got me thinking about things. Yes, I know you must be thinking - overthinking... But na'ah, just plainly thinking about the most random yet a-matter-of-fact thoughts about myself.

I just realized after watching that short video, I am not that type of person who will declare my love publicly for everyone to see. I'm more of a secretive type where I want to remain as low profile as possible. I mean yes I do blog about my other half occasionally but I just don't get it why must people blog about their love life for everyone to see and know about it, especially during their fights. It's worst when they blog about how they fight and how they patch things up. I mean c'mon guys..... it should be sth private only for the 2 of you to know. By letting others in on your relationship will just make them know your flaws and worst, they might even be the one to touch wood break you 2 up. Ok, I'm digressing.

Well, the point is I just don't know how I should improve upon myself. Be it being a daughter, sister or girlfriend. I'm constantly having this self-conflict recently which makes me angsty to a whole new level. Hais... what the hell did I just type.. I want to be away from buildings and just be surrounded by trees. Many of them with a good listening pair of ears.

Shall update you guys on my Cambodia trip soon and more happier posts, I promise.

It is filling up to its brim.

Wow, it's been almost a month not blogging.. I must have been busy or really lazy. Let's just say I was both. The school vacation has started ever since my last paper on the 29th...so I've been busy with FP, Cambodia trip briefing and just lazing around at home . At least I'm not lazing around all the time so my vacation so far is being distributed equally with activities I have . And not forgetting spending quality time with Loic :)

I have a few updates to share about. First and foremost Loic and I turned 3 two days back. It's was a very simple date. We had dinner for the very first time at Meatworks and it was so good! Like freaking good! I can still taste the beef hours after I eat it and it's just very very delicious. We then headed to Marina Bay to walk around and enjoy the breeze. It was a day well spent with him since we were both busy for the past week before the anniversary so it was really nice to be spending quality time with him.

The next good news is......FP is moving on to the finals for Drumzout competition!! Whoop whoop!! Ok la initially I didn't want us to get through but since thanks to that one bird that shitted on me...i guess luck was on my side... Nevertheless, I was really happy we got through cos secretly I wanted us to get through. Just the thought of having intense practices turns me off big time. Meh...

Lastly, I'm blogging through my phone now since there's not many people that is walking by now. So just to kill the time I have while working hehe!