Aches, a happy feeling.

I just had the longest sleep ever in my life. I slept for nearly 12 hour cos I shocked myself up at around 2.34am to find myself crying badly. I can't quite remember what I was dreaming about... Skipped dinner for my bed, of cos. Sleeping on the hard wooden floor in the Dance Studio was such a painful and cold experience. Wait, I did not even sleep. Maybe for only about 20 mins or so before I shocked myself up. No surprise haha I was tossing and turning around closing and opening my eyes the whole time. It must be the rattling sound from the glass pane and cat's meow. I told Effa I'm gna bring 3 sleeping bags the next time round(if there's gna be a next time round) cos our bodies really hurt from all the courses we did during the ALP, practice for Dreams and lastly to have a "Night with a Twist" which means night activities that involves being blind folded, Amazing Race that involves: running, solving jigsaw puzzles, charates and a few more other activities that requires the whole body to function as one in order to get the next clue. It was a day I feel I filled each hour doing something. It was tiring but I had the most amazing day of my life, period. It has been such a long time not going for camps or doing activities with my school mates. It really brings back memories of Secondary school days and I feel exceptionally happy. I guess I was just really depress back then for not having school activities or not having any overseas trip as a school when Loic, only in his first year, has gone overseas twice with his school. It is nice to once in a while break-free from your normal everyday routine and have such camps or trips as mentioned.

Anyhoo when I woke up today at around 8 am, my whole body was shivering and I couldn't even eat my oreo, hello panda and Tom&Jerry properly. My whole hand was literally shivering. Is it the effect of sleeping too long? Maybe...maybe not...? My eye is swollen as hell. Its like I just got punched by Hugh Jackman, in my dreams hahaha

Sidetrack: I've been really thinking a lot during/after the camp solely on myself. Now, I feel like a total failure for the many things I wish I did do and not have to hurt the ones I love most. It has been bugging me for the longest time. The last time I let loose of my very full bottle out was through the phone conversation I had with Effa which was a year or 2 years back. I guess it was only half of what was in the bottle. Truthfully, now the bottle is filled up to its brim. I feel uneasy and almost at the point of giving up everything. I just can't bear hurting anyone, especially my loved ones. Its hard to let it out now, as it involves almost all of them. It can either be just me over thinking about everything or I am the cause of all the problem. Maybe, its both. I feel that I've been always saying on changing and getting better but fact is, I'm not. I guess it really takes time and some actual experience for change to occur. For now, I just want myself to get better. Change will only occur when you are a completely different in the way you think and do things but at the same time people around you will be able to acknowledge that change, in a positive manner. I will get there, eventually.

To that special someone, I know I've been a real bitch to be treating you in that manner. It's really selfish and mean of me to make you feel hurt. My deepest apology for everything. You have been treating me rather excellently and have always been patient for me to change my bad points. But I guess I've disappointed you many times. Especially now. I'm just not ready for whatever decision you've made or yet to make but whatever it is thank you for everything. You're the best first. Period. I guess the first is always the best. Like I say follow your gut feeling cos that what you do when you first asked me to be yours. Whatever happens, I'm glad I met you. I wouldn't trade you for anyone else. Thank you for everything :')

~

"She literature student, very emo emo one.." That's what Effa will tell everyone new about me. Its funny yet sad at the same time to know that I'm emo, fairly most of the time. I just can't help expressing more through words written or typed rather than saying it through my voice. It somehow really is how I feel when I write. Voicing it out or expressing my feelings has been my weakest point. Many may actually think I'm arrogant or egoistic when fact is, I'm not. I'm just fairly shy around new people and I will only talk extremely little and just smile or laugh more cos I just do not know what to say and am very conscious on what I say. I know I cannot always do that. That is one of my many weaknesses which I need to improve on. I just need to.

The irony. It's hard for me to accept facts(or rather critiques) but I believe in it. I believe it makes you a better person. I believe I need to work on accepting it with a pinch of salt and make do with what I have to make things right, for once.