11 more days before I turn 19. The day I'm not looking forward to. Always receiving texts. comments and calls from friends and loved ones but never a proper wish from both my parents. My dad. He usually forgets about it and will only be reminded by my sisters. My mum would just be like "Happy Birthday" with her act cute voice. That voice is usually used whenever she wants something or she's happy. In other words, her happy tone. It's not like I want anything materialistic from them but I mean it would be good to have something you want brought by them. But all I want from all the previous birthdays celebrated is just a warm, tight hug from them. Especially my mum.

I really can't remember how was it like celebrating my birthday when I was younger. No vivid memory of my birthday can I remember it being loving, sweet and just really feeling the love. My family works in a pretty odd way. Sometimes I envy those family not being awkward and shy to really express their feelings to one another. Take for instance my best friend. Her mum really loves her despite being violent towards her once in a while due to her behavior.(And I believe that's pretty normal in every household, to discipline the child) And I'm not saying that my mum don't or doesn't love me. But the way my best friend's mum show her love towards her is through actions like hugging and giving her kisses on her cheeks or forehead and even telling her she loves her. In my case, I need to know that my mum loves me. And how? It's by just knowing it, without any evidence like the above. It has been like that for nearly 19 years. It's just awkward and odd for us to have body contact with one another and just very very odd to express our love for one another. I don't know, it has always been that way. That's why whenever anyone becomes touchy I'll feel really weird and uncomfortable. Especially so when they look into my eyes and give me very sweet, loving words. I'll feel the jitters. The culture I grew up in is just to just know you're loved and mind your own business. You're independent in your own small world. Everything is just void.

This is why I never really like listening to my friends telling me about their family and how expressive and normal they are. In fact, I hate it. I mean of course, every family will experience fights and bad moments with one another just like mine. But what differentiate my family to others is mainly the bond they have. I know I have a family and I can see them there standing in a place called home. But we're like strangers to one another. Everyday routine, is to have them come home late and by then I would be doing my work or asleep. And I know they have to work hard to provide this family of mine. It's just saddens me at times to know that I do have a family yet at the same time those people are like strangers to me. Strangely, I feel normal or not awkward expressing myself to my bibik. She is the one I'm most comfortable to communicate with. The irony.

All these years I've been bottling up my emotions and at times it becomes destructive. The hatred I have these years cannot be compared to the love I receive. It overpowers love. It's really tough to overcome it. Tried and failed. All I want or rather need for my birthday,is to break free from the hatred I have in me and feel loved. From no one else, but my family. Especially my mum, Like for God's sake, I was in her for freaking 9 months. How can I not feel loved but just know I'm loved?

Hatred, my worst enemy ever. Period,