the One

As of late, I've been thinking, questioning and just really thinking hard about everything. Well, mostly on life. It comes to the point whereby I'll have a huge headache just thinking about growing up, being an adult now, having the responsibilities for everything, money, what to do with my life after my contract job ends, marriage, money for marriage, money for everything.... Basically my life is in a mess right now and I don't really know how I should go about tackling it. I've been to attached with the fact whereby I can do it, I can get through it. But fact is, I just can't. 

After reading this post(this particular paragraph) by theshawllabel.com my tears started pouring out without me realising it.

"The thing about the dunya is that the more you chase after it, the more it eludes you. And the less you think about it, the more it comes close to you. We often worry about money and where our next meal will come from, when in fact Allah swt has reminded us countless times that He will provide for us in a variety of ways if we just make the effort to seek."

Guess I've been doing it wrong the whole time. Chasing the wrong things and being overly attached with what I want and not leave it up to Allah swt for handling all my affairs. 

Speaking your mind makes things worst but at least you'll feel better.

Sometimes as much as I'd like to speak my mind, it just comes out wrong. Either th way I structure my words or just generally people just don't get what I mean. I am constantly battling with sharing what I feel about almost anything. Just conscious about whatever i feel inside as when it's blurted out, th outcome always turns out worst or I will end up feeling bad about whatever I've said. It really is hard to share what you want to convey when your intention back fires you. And whenever I resist in telling truly how I feel, it eats me inside. So question is how do you handle a situation as such? Would you just keep it all to yourself and make th feeling go away or would you risk having your feelings out in th open and having it back fire you?

Well, th former sounds better.

Little bunny.

I thought I was going crazy. But someone, somewhere, somehow understands my deepest feelings. All that is written is by far the closest as to how I feel about relationship, friends and what not. Totally describes why I distant myself away from the opposite sex. Or maybe I'm just not entertaining enough for them. Who am I kidding !

*Credits to someone who blogged/tumblr/Instagram/tweet about it somewhere on this planet.

Dust and bones

Ever felt like you've been waiting for so long that you feel your bones starts to rot that in that process it begins to melt so badly that you become one pile of green blob similar to the colour of Earth?

Well, that wait is called the inactiveness of your body, mind and soul. I've been feeling this way ever since I unofficially graduated just two months ago. Wow, it has been exactly two months now. No wonder my dad's worried about me. He even suggested I join the police force since I'll be ranked Corporal when I enter but with the new system I will enter as a Sergeant. And he's rather supportive about it and yes for the very first time which made me consider about joining. I mean I've always loved watching all the CSIs', Criminal Minds, NCIS and just any sought that involves investigating and getting to the bottom of things. But lets just put that aside for a while cos it's not what I really want to do in future. I mean yes I love solving things and just love the adrenaline I will get out of it. It is however not what I'm passionate about. It's just one of the things I love but not want to actually pursue in?

Currently, all I've been doing is waiting for a sign. Like for example a call from any of the two universities I applied for or even a letter would suffice. But the universe is not giving me anything. Working is another issue. I feel that I'm more picky towards the type of job I want to work cos most of it would require me to commit for "at least 3 months" and I just don't know if I should work or not since I'm waiting for a reply from either of the universities. Then again, I will be able to take leave if say I had an interview to go to for the university. (See how my mind debates, always happen) Another issue I'm facing would be travelling. You guys just don't know how much I yearn to travel. I planned for a graduation trip but with no effort in saving money for it. Tell me how now? Very smart indeed. So, the issues now are waiting for a reply from the unis, not wanting to work for so long cos of sch (if I'm accepted) plus I want to travel and if say I get into either of the unis I applied for then I won't have time to travel as the intended holiday I needed will be used for working, if I were to work. See the whole picture now?

Feeling as if I'm starting to lose my sense of direction in life. This is bad, real bad.

An old pair of ears

That's what I really need now.

Feelin' gay

2013. Tell me more.

I knew 2013 wasn't gna be one of th years to look forward to. Lets just say I'm pretty overwhelmed by it. Too many events to type about. But I'm still surprise and a little terrify on the fact that I've yet to breakdown. I guess the next time I do, it's gna be real bad. Or maybe I'm a little stronger now.

One thing's for sure, FYP is taking my life away. I don't even know why I'm doing and stressing so much about it cos in the end if I die, it will not help me in any way....... Ok, I'm just being negative about everything now.

Goodnight world. I shall explore you one day. I must.